Riggs, you sure we're on the right street?
We must be getting warm.
-You see anything? -Where? I don't see anything.
This must be the place.
Holy shit!
What the hell is that?
Shit.
Who's this joker?
I don't know. A spokesman for the NRA?
Regular asshole.
What do we do now?
Run him over.
What if he shoots us with that assault rifle?
He hasn't yet. Maybe he won't.
What if he does?
Don't be a Don't-Bee. Be a Do-Bee. Be positive.
Positive?
-Let's run him over. -Glad you see things my way.
I hope he doesn't turn.
He won't. We'll creep up on him so he won't notice.
We'll creep?
Will him not to turn.
Power of positive thinking.
Don't turn. Will him with me.
-Will him?! -Don't turn around.
-I need you, man. -Don't turn around!
That's it. Believe!
Don't turn around!
We're better than him. We're better!
We're better!
-Don't turn! -He's turning.
-They just bounce off him! -I saw!
We're in trouble, man.
Shit! I'll draw his fire! You run for cover!
No, I'll draw his fire! You run for cover!
Are you out of your mind?! You got a wife, kids. I got less to lose!
Go! Get out of here!
I wasn't supposed to tell you, but Lorna's pregnant. You'll be a father!
What'd you say?
You'll be a father!
She was afraid to tell you. She was afraid you'd get angry.
You never talked about children?
-Shit! -A baby.
There's something I'm not supposed to tell you too.
Rianne's pregnant. You're going to be a grandfather.
Rianne's what?!
Rianne can't be pregnant.
She's not married.
I don't think she intended to get that way.
They asking me to be a granddaddy?
Here's what we'll do. Take your clothes off!
What the hell for?
Okay, you run.
Flame-O turns, sees you in your undies. It distracts him. That's when I shoot.
-Shoot what? -The valve on that napalm tank!
Before he shoots me?
-Maybe. -Maybe?
Is he black?
Too much armor on. I can't tell!
No! Not him! The father of the baby!
Please let him be black!
Get going! Here he comes!
Are those little hearts?
Not now, Riggs. Just hit the damn valve!
Also, flap and make noises like a bird!
Flap my arms? Why?
It'll distract him more! I need him to turn!
-On 2! Ready? -On 2? We always go on 3!
No time for 3! Go! 2!
-What about 1 ? -All right. 1 , 2, go!
I don't want to die in my underwear!
Why are you waiting? Shoot the bastard!
Riggs, you think that bird thing helped? You think it helped?
I just wanted to see if you'd do it.
Cute shorts.
Go spit, Riggs!
I'll buy you a doughnut.
Don't put your arms around me when I'm naked.
You're ashamed of your butt?
He's a lively one.
That shark damages my boat, I take it out on you, Leo.
-I didn't mean to catch it. -Why do you want to keep it?
Yeah, why you want to keep a shark?
-The teeth'll look great on a wall. -They got to stop snapping first.
Maybe he'll fall asleep.
Engage him in conversation. He'll nod off.
-He don't look tired. -Maybe chewing on Leo will wear him out.
You think sharks eat their own kind?
Stop! You guys got me in stitches!
Okay, where's my bag?
Starboard side aft.
Starboard, that's left, right?
-No, port's left. Starboard's right. -Yeah, right.
Right, yeah. Right side aft. Got it. Okay.
-Whatever. -Check both sides, you'll find it.
Careful!
Behind you, shark!
Maybe we should throw him overboard.
Throw them both overboard.
No witnesses. We could probably get away with it.
-You too? -Yeah.
I kept my nose out of it, but....
You and Lorna.
You're having a baby, you're living together.
You're not getting married.
Why, does that violate your family values system?
I'm just trying to understand.
Rianne's not married either.
Okay, that's hitting below the belt.
You know, when I was married...
...it was good. You know.
You put the ring on. You make the commitment.
You do all the....
She's dead because I'm a cop.
She's dead because I'm a cop and l....
I don't wear the ring anymore but I look down, it's still there.
I still feel it...
...and I don't know, it's like I'm not...
...finished with that yet. I don't know how to explain that. Is that bullshit?
No. It's not finished.
It's not finished.
Okay, you did say "aft."
A-F-T. Aft!
That's a fucking word?
In the back of the cabin on the right side!
Why didn't you just say that to begin with, Roger?!
I love these people. Get around boats and water, everything becomes nautical!
"Astern! Avast, you landlubbers!
Man the bilge pump!"
Pump your fucking ass!
All right, all right!
-Get a grip. -Okay, okay, okay.
No problem. No problem. Okay, okay.
-What does Lorna say about this? -She doesn't like nautical terms either.
We haven't discussed it. That's pretty messed up.
The baby's due in a few days and you haven't talked about getting married?
No.
I haven't done it at all.
-Do we want Leo to shoot the shark? -I do want Leo to shoot the--
No, Leo!
What?!
-Give me that. -What's the deal?!
You're shooting a gun on my boat!
I'm not shooting your boat, I'm shooting Jaws.
Nobody's killing it.
I won't let it die so you can have its teeth!
So grumpy since you learned you'll be a grandpa.
Get off of me, will you?
Don't fool around!
Some piece of hardware. Got a permit for this?
-Of course. I'm a PI now. -A "P" what?
Pl! A gumshoe! You get in ugly situations. I got guns, everything.
You are an ugly situation.
Permit or not, you don't deserve this. You're not safe.
Smart move, Riggs.
Shit!
Hard right, Rog!
Did you hear shots?
Coast Guard, this is Code 7.
We're in L.A. Harbor.
We got to go.
They're getting away!
Who was it? We know who it was?
No, no, I'll drive!
-Want me to help? -Get out of here!
This your gun?
Yeah, want some laser surgery?
Watch it! You could blind somebody!
Coast Guard, this is Code 7 in pursuit of freighter.
Heading north.
Awaiting instructions. Over.
Code 7 , maintain your present course.
We have a cutter en route.
Why you slowing down for?
We'll hang right here. Coast Guard'll be here any minute.
-What do we do now? -Show them our badges.
LAPD!
Los Angeles Police Department!
We heard gunfire! The Coast Guard's on the--
Coast Guard! Boat's on fire! Freighter's on fire!
-Let's board them. -What are you talking about?!
There's a fire on the freighter!
Okay, I'm upside. Now what do we do?
They're trying to get away. Get up there!
One hell of a fishing trip.
Shut up and keep your head down!
LAPD!
Stop where you are! You!
Hold it there!
He's got it!
What'd he say?
He said, watch his back!
-Why didn't you warn me? -Shut up!
Tie it up!
Pull it out!
That was great.
I told you to keep the boat closer!
Why are you listening to Leo?
Oh, shit!
You all right, Riggs?!
Look at that!
Oh, shit!
Jump!
Roger, where are you?!
My boat!
My new boat!
-What? -The shark.
What about the shark?
A shark!
Don't leave me! Rog!
Come on, Leo!
-Hurry up! -I'm coming!
You can make it!
This is all I got left.
Four sets of papers, totally genuine.
They'll get in the country and be able to stay forever.
U.S. citizens.
Ask them to vote the incumbent party, help me...
...keep my job with the State Department.
Bloody marvelous.
They've red-flagged Asian visas lately. Those weren't easy to slip through.
Something wrong?
A small delivery problem, Mr. Proody.
Leave!
Coast Guard interdicts about one a month.
Pretty raggedy-looking.
Six weeks locked in a hold with one toilet.
Rice and a little fish to eat.
Lousy deal for 35 grand a head.
35 grand? Where'd they get that money?
Didn't. Got to work it off from the snakeheads, the smugglers.
-They sell them as cheap labor. -Sell them?
Like slaves.
I guess these must be the lucky ones.
They'll claim asylum. Say they were persecuted, like everybody else.
We'll send them packing.
Cost you and me a goddamn fortune.
What happened to, "Bring me your tired, your poor, your wretched masses...
...yearning to be free"?
Now it reads, "No vacancies."
I guess your parents were Native Americans.
They pop one every boatload.
Shows the rest what'll happen if they run or don't pay.
At least he's nobody's slave.
Don't coddle them, move them!
We're on the boat, I see this barrel coming down.
Sergeant Murtaugh didn't see it, so I push him.
He's big, I knock him over. We're in the water.
I'm pulling, he doesn't swim. I saved this big guy.
There's that kid. What's his name? Bissell?
It's a food.
Burger.
No, Biscuits or something.
He's always kissing my ass, giving me coffee and shit.
Sergeant Riggs, Sergeant Murtaugh. What are you doing here?
That's a long story.
You're all wet!
-You need a blanket? -I'm fine.
-Somebody get this man a blanket now! -Blankets, yes, sir!
Get this body out of here!
Hold up! What do we got here?
Stay back, stay back.
Shit!
He's dead. He's fucking dead, man!
-Shit! -What?
This is how he wanted to come to America, right?
Was he in the killing section?
This guy's been shot four times!
At close range, like he was executed!
He was executed.
By the crew.
What the fuck!
People get killed left, right and center in this town!
Now we're importing victims?
Gangbangers want to kill each other, no problem.
One of us gets shot, occupational hazard.
But just a normal guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody?!
-That ain't right. -Easy, Biscuits.
You'll get an ulcer. You got to settle down.
Blanket!
I thought it was.... Sorry, Blankets.
-Here's blankets. -Sorry, I'm losing my head.
I just hate to see bad things happen to good folk.
We'd shoot the breeze with you, Butler, but you're in charge here so--
You should take this, it's free. You're all wet.
Get some vapor rub on your chest.
All right, Boogers.
Hey, get them out of here! Get them out of here!
He takes the job kind of personally.
Personally? Yeah, he's pretty serious, I'd say. Overzealous.
He's jealous of who?
I don't know. Who?
-You said he was jealous. -I didn't.
I was standing here!
I said he was zealous. Full of zeal.
-He's loud too. Shit. -What?
-He's loud! -What?
We better get up before the sun comes up.
Something's in the lifeboat.
-I'll catch a squad ride. -See you.
I'm sorry about your boat.
-I'm sorry. -Shit.
All of a sudden, this big fucking shark comes--
Can I say that?
You can say it, but we can't air it.
So this big darn shark comes along....
Shit.
My Code 7.
Oh, God.
-You were coming home last night. -I'm sorry.
I had some bad Chinese.
You look a little banged up.
You look a little knocked up.
Are you okay?
You sure?
-Easy, tiger! There he goes again. -She. There she goes again.
-You okay, though? -I'm good.
Better than Roger. His boat sank.
-Boat sank? -I had something to do with it.
-Here, boy. -No! No grease!
-Have some cookies. -What happened?
Gunfights, explosions, sharks. The usual.
Here, boy.
Thanks.
You were out fishing. Does trouble just go looking for you?
It seems to know pretty much where I am most of the time.
Oh, God.
You finished the nursery.
Yeah, I did.
I figured it was good for a girl or a boy. Cute, huh?
It's a dogfest. What'd you get, the whole 1 0 1 ?
I know. I got a little carried away with puppies.
IKid'll probably hate dogs.
You know, Lorna, we never ever talked about marriage.
I sort of figured you didn't want that.
You want to get married?
Me neither.
You want breakfast?
"Serve and Protect"
Since when have you been reading this smut?
It's not smut. It's Ebony Clark.
-Trish gave it to me. -"Every fiber in his being desired her.
He devoured her with his eyes."
Can we try this thing on page 1 96 sometime?
There's a good one on 1 68. Maybe later.
Nothing comes between a pregnant lady and a meal.
Have I ever "made your...
...womanhood reach peaks that would rival the highest Himalayas"?
-Foothills of Malibu, maybe. -But not even a Teton or...?
-I don't think so. -Thanks.
I thought I'd at least rate the Rockies.
You know I'm kidding.
You're saying that to make me feel better.
No, I'm not.
You know I'm playing.
I've been to plenty of mountaintops with you.
It's just that I'm hungry.
When you have that kid, we'll blow up Mount Saint Helens.
-I brought you a doughnut. -Police food.
How did you know?
I dropped by lnternal Affairs yesterday.
How's the rat squad?
-I picked up something good. -Some cheese?
IA got an anonymous tip.
The person said Roger's on the take.
No, he's not.
I know he's not. It's probably some jerk he put away.
But with the new boats...
...and putting 2 kids through college, I just thought you ought to know.
I actually tried to persuade him to take money.
Stop it, Riggs! I can't hear that. Nothing.
I won't say anything anymore. I'm kidding.
-That's awful. -I'm kidding.
Don't tell him I said that. With all his problems...
...he'll blow his top. It'll be awful. Just don't say anything.
What do you mean?
Like what?
-In general, problems. -You mean something specific.
I got a nose for these things. What?
You're pushing me. I really don't want you to go there.
Get it off your chest. You'll feel better. Tell me.
I'm not going to leave you alone. Tell me.
-Tell me. -I'll tell you what it is!
This pregnancy destroyed my brain cells!
What? What?
I'm drooling. What?
Promise me. Swear to me you'll never say a word about this, ever.
-I swear, I swear. -Right hand!
I swear I won't, ever.
I promise. What?
You know how Roger is about his daughter dating cops?
He'd kill them. So?
Rianne's married to one, the father of her baby. She's afraid to tell Roger.
They met last year. They fell in love. She got pregnant. They got hitched.
Nobody's telling Roger about this?
After the baby's born.
You mean it's a package deal? Take it or leave it?
-Does Trish know? -She knows.
She doesn't know you know. But Trish knows.
Who's the lucky soon-to-be-dead son-in-law?
-Who? -Sergeant Lee Butters.
This gets better and better! No wonder he sucks up to Rog.
Brings him apples, blankets, coffee....
Not a word. I'm telling you, nothing.
I won't tell him anything. He'd shoot me just for being the messenger.
He's my best friend. It'd be wrong to mess with him. I won't mess with him.
Promise.
I don't think we have to discuss boys' names because we're having a girl.
Okay. Piadora.
I like Piadora. That's sweet.
-I can't live with that. -I love that name.
-Wilford. -It's the oatmeal guy.
We're talking kids' names. Has Rianne picked any names out yet?
We don't want to double up or anything.
Oscar for the boy, Loreen if it's a girl.
I like Lee Butter.
Better! I like it better.
-Don't get me started. -I like those names.
Captain wants to see us downtown.
Trish'll be right down. Have fun shopping for the baby.
Bye-bye, honey.
Who had the sleepover?
Just airing out camping gear.
-We're out of here. -Something smells good.
Really good.
Trish has food on the stove.
We out of here.
That smells like Chinese food.
Chinese food?
She's into Chinese cooking.
I got to see this. Can I taste?
-I love Chinese food. -Hold it! Please!
Please!
There's a Chinese person in the kitchen.
I saw him.
A couple of Chinese people.
Actually a whole family.
A large family.
Hey, guys.
-It does smell good, huh? -Smells great.
They were hiding in the lifeboat.
After that INS guy, I had to do something.
-I know. So you brought them home. -It took two trips.
-Really? -They fit in the station wagon?
That's Ping with his grandfather, Hong.
He's head of the family. Speaks English.
Hey, Hong. This is my partner, Martin Riggs, and this is Lorna.
Wife?
Can I speak to you?
-Lorna, this is the best breakfast. -I'm hungry. I'd love some.
Are you out of your mind? This is illegal.
As in, "against the law."
You'll bring on a shitstorm.
Just hold on! Just wait a frigging minute!
The way I see it, those are slave ships out there...
...and I'm freeing slaves.
I'm freeing slaves like no one did for my ancestors.
This is my chance to do something and do it right.
Why didn't you say so?
This is not going to be boring.
Need any help?
Where is he?
What is it, food or money?
-Food and money. -More money than food.
I see you more now than when you lived here.
-We're independent now. -What'll you spend the money for?
-Hookers, drugs.... -Contraceptives.
Can you believe how they talk to their father?
It costs more to go to school now than it did when you went.
Go to school now! I get the tuition bills.
And the grades too. Consider this a down payment on a future ass-chewing.
Now get out of here and go to school.
I want to see grades! I see the tuition.
I want to see some grades, okay? I want more cluck for my buck.
Thank you for the money.
I'm tired.
Me, I can't win.
Boy.
Say, we get a raise and nobody told me about it?
I got to get to the bank.
How can you when you're taken to the cleaners all the time?
Hey, guys.
Hey, babe.
-Both the kids leaving? -Yes. And we're broke.
Is Lorna here?
She's in the kitchen. On her third breakfast by now.
I remember those days.
-I'm sorry! -You know I love it when you do that.
You look terrific.
Wait till she tries raising that baby by herself.
Daddy, I'll be fine.
Move back in and old Grandpa Rog'll be up all night taking care of the baby.
Better than her marrying the wrong guy.
You know, a cop or something.
True.
Come on, guys. See you.
I should say goodbye.
Hurry up!
Yeah, stuffing your face.
Stop kissing me. Try that. Try that.
You, stay away from my girl.
I'm not joking. You stay away from my girl.
Joking!
Got the baby beeper?
-All right, I know. -It's your fault.
It's your fault. All the chicken shit.
Flapping all over the place.
All right, everybody.
It's been a year almost already. This shit ain't funny no more.
-Enough is enough! -Please!
Okay? Enough!
I'm the one that gets it in the neck. Can we exercise a little maturity?
If I find who's doing this, I'll kick his ass.
Who's doing this? I catch that asshole who put my picture up there, that's it.
-That's it. -Cut their balls off.
Captain.
I still look out there expecting to see all the old faces.
Instead, I see a bunch of kids whose names I barely remember.
-Will you sit down? -Sorry.
We're dinosaurs headed for extinction.
Speak for yourself.
We're making way for the new police force:
Guys with guns and psychology degrees, like Butters out there.
Biter has a psychology degree?
-More like a psycho degree. -Times have got to change.
I once got shot by a hot rodder with a zip gun.
That's how far back I go.
You wanted to see us?
Some things don't change.
-Here we go. -The department lost its insurance.
All the damage you've done, they can't get a new one...
...while you two still run around on the streets.
They can't fire you either.
So...
...they're promoting you.
Lieutenant.
There's no open lieutenant spots.
So the chief's using a special privilege and making you captains.
-Better. -Captain!
Time was when this would send me over the falls. I swear, I'm getting old.
So what do we do now?
Captain shit.
-Hang out. -Take long lunches.
Yell things like, "Riggs, Murtaugh, I'm the captain."
-"Chief's shitting bricks, man." -You finished?
Think you can stay out of trouble? Something simple?
Absolutely.
Captain Riggs.
Captain Murtaugh.
You want your badges? Let me see those sergeant badges.
Throw them over here. Let me have yours.
This is the most painful experience of my life.
-Now get out of here. -Thank you, Captain.
-No, Captain, after you.
Enough with the "Captain" shit! Get out of here!
I insist. After you, Captain, I insist! "O Captain! My Captain!"
-Captains outrageous! -News travels.
You get a break from real police work. Play golf, tennis....
They got brown rings Around their noses
Now that you're captains, come up in the chopper.
-Not for me. -I'll take a raincheck.
-If you change your mind, call us. -He's a down-to-earth guy.
I'm sorry.
Can we knock this shit off, please? This is your captain speaking.
Jesus.
The man's got feelings, you know?
Congratulations. Look at you.
Captain Murtaugh.
I don't really know how to say this, but you really inspire me.
IKeep it up.
How's it going, Burton?
-It's Butters, Captain. -I'll remember that.
-IKid really likes you. -I wish he'd cut that shit out.
He likes me?
Likes me.
You don't think he...
...likes me-likes me...?
Likes me like that?
It's the police force not the military.
The millennium's creeping up on us.
You know what the captain said: "New people, new department."
Dr. Woods?
Captain Riggs.
-Don't run. -I'm in a rush.
-I need to talk to you. -Wait! What is it this time?
Recurring dreams about flying dwarfs?
Or have you cooked up something new?
I'm sorry about all that.
I want your advice. I was thinking of....
Thinking?
Marriage.
Marriage?!
-The "M" word? -Does "confidentiality" mean anything?
-That's funny. -IKeep it down.
You know what would happen? We'd go into my office...
...and you know what you'd end up telling me?
You'd tell me something like, "Doc...
...l want to marry Murtaugh."
Or your mother, maybe. Or how about Nelson Mandela?
Nelson Mandela?!
Something to ridicule me, Riggs.
Something to get a rise out of me.
Listen carefully!
I'm...not...stupid!
And my time is reserved...
...for police officers with real needs and real problems.
Have you got that?!
-Have you?! -Ask me again?
No. And you know what?
I don't like you.
Stephanie?
I can't go out with you. I'm in a relationship.
All right? I think you need to see someone.
You'll find someone someday who'll love you. Not in this department but....
-You have to stop bothering me! -You're disgusting!
What's the matter with you people?!
What's shaking?
-Captain Riggs. -Captain Murtaugh.
You're supposed to turn around. We're captains.
Heard you're up to your ass in Chinese.
The taller ones come up to the navel.
Big enough to kick your ass.
What can I do for you?
One of the ship's crew shot an illegal, apparently under orders...
...and we'd dearly like to know...
...who's smuggling Chinese?
We got no hard evidence but we're pretty sure the big boss is Benny Chan.
Uncle Benny?
You know him?
-When he was running smack. -We never nailed him.
Benny's slippery.
Where's he hang out?
He's got a nightclub, couple restaurants.
He operates mainly out on North Broadway. Here's the address.
Hi, fellas.
There he is. Hey, Burger. Summers.
Butters!
What you got on the freighter homicide?
I talked to some illegals. Turns out they only knew the shooter by sight.
Checked out the boat.
The boat is registered under a dummy corporation out of lndonesia.
It'll be a rough one to crack, but we'll nail them.
You ever hear of Benny Chan?
Benny Chan. No. What kind of bad man is he?
Real bad. Big crime boss in Chinatown.
If it's dirty and it's Chinese, Benny's doing it.
So where do I find him?
At his restaurant.
I'm kind of hungry for Chinese. How about you?
We're going there anyway. We'll drive you.
Just let me get my jacket.
Not with him.
-He's doing good. -I know.
We might need backup. Spend some time with him. You might learn to love him.
Like a son.
In-law-enforcement.
It pays to know your fellow officer. He might have to back you up one day.
Sir, let me just say, it'll be an honor to share some egg rolls with you.
Yeah, all right. Let's go.
Let's go.
Share?
So, Butters, it seems like you hate crime in a sort of personal way...
...if you don't mind me saying.
Why so you say that, sir?
Last night I noticed you were, let's say, more than slightly miffed.
-Wasn't he, Roger? -Hell, yeah.
Any particular reason?
About 1 50,000 of them.
That's how many bullets were zinging around my neighborhood growing up.
Couldn't go outside. Couldn't go near a window.
Lived on the floor, ate on the floor, slept and watched TV on the floor.
I didn't learn to walk till I was 1 0.
Spent most of my formative years nose-to-nose with the family beagle.
When I'm working on a crime...
...l ain't thinking about the crime.
I'm thinking about that goddamn floor and it pisses me off.
We supposed to be meeting Leo somewhere?
No, why?
Because he's following us. Don't look.
Who's Leo?
Maybe it's a coincidence.
-What does he want? -I don't know. Let's find out.
-Fucking asshole! -Bite me!
Bite me, okay? Whatever! Whatever!
Jerk!
You looking for us, Leo?
-You saw me, huh? -Yeah, we saw you.
What you doing, Leo?
I'm perfecting my tailing technique now that I'm a Pl.
He's a private eyesore. Nice inconspicuous vehicle.
I like it.
Riggs, who's the perp?
-What'd you bust him for? -I'm a perp?
A young brother in a police car is automatically a perp?
Look at my suit! My tie! Do I look like the Crips' accountant?
Look at this badge, bitch!
Check out the gun.
-License! Registration! -Put the gun down!
License! Registration!
Urine sample!
I got a badge too, okay?
German Jews didn't have it any easier as kids!
So don't think you're the only one.
Besides, I knew you were a cop!
I was kidding! I can smell a cop a mile away!
You saying I smell bad?
Don't turn everything around! You're so touchy.
These guys'll tell you. We got a history.
Maybe we'll work together someday! I'm the bomb! They'll tell you!
We'll work together soon as I open up a cereal shop, you fucking leprechaun!
I didn't call you names, fuckface! Don't start!
Okay?! Don't fool around!
These guys'll tell you.
Sir, you're double-parked.
Officer, I'm just talking with the detectives.
We don't know this guy.
Think he was drinking.
They're kidding. Come back!
I wasn't drinking! They just said that.
Blow your breath in my hand.
Now hold on, I can smell it already.
Blow in my fucking ear!
No, you're all mine.
-You're mine. -Whatever.
Where's Uncle Benny?
-He's not here. -Is he in there?
-I'm sure he is. -This way.
Yes, it's a two-way.
Look, please. We have 3 people.
The restaurant's over there. Let's go this way, please.
They can see us, but we can't see them.
-Where's your green card? -That's a racist remark.
I'm a policeman who asked you about your green card.
This is not the way.
You're the boss till we get up in his ass.
It'll be fine. They've refurbished.
-I couldn't stop them. -How you doing?
-Out, out! -Can I get some drink or food?
Uncle Benny, I hope this is a bad time. He still hasn't clipped his eyebrows.
What'd we tell you about that?
We hate not disturbing you.
-This is Detective Buckles. -Whatever.
Sell any heroin? Buy any cops? IKill anyone lately? How's the restaurant?
Have something to eat.
Give you the police discount.
-Flied lice? -Flied lice?
It is fried rice, you plick!
I'm very busy. What is it this time?
Tell him, Buttkiss.
IKnow anything about a boatload of illegals that went aground last night?
Just what I saw on the news.
Some snakehead lost big money.
400 people at 35 grand. Fourteen million.
And missed out on making them slaves.
You are cops. I thought smuggling Chinese was an INS problem.
We found 3 bodies full of holes, so now it's a cop problem.
Three dead Chinese?
Billion more where they came from.
That's right. Life's cheap.
The problem is, he shot at me and Rog too, and that pisses us off.
Too bad they missed.
But still I don't know anything about it.
Who's he?
Doesn't look too happy. What's his name?
Who's this guy? ls he appraising your furniture, or what?
He doesn't speak English.
Then he doesn't understand words like "scumbag" ...
..."eat shit"?
I think he understands good.
-Enter the drag queen. -The insurance, remember?
I'm busy. If you have nothing on me, get out.
Just know we're still around.
I'm on your ass too.
But the door is this way!
This is quicker. This is quicker, really.
See? It's quicker!
Don't forget my 1 0% policeman's discount.
You in Hong IKong...
...you'd be dead.
No, not that! No, Riggs! Don't!
The insurance.... What the hell?
Hurry up! Hurry up!
You got to try it sometime. Not only is it satisfying, it's therapeutic.
-It saves the cost of a shrink-- -And bad guys can't call the cops.
-Why not? We're already here! -EI Nino.
I know this guy.
That's the captain. Hold it!
Remember, no damage!
Shit!
I'm LAPD. I'm commandeering your bike. Here, here.
$200.
Riggs, I'm coming!
Somebody stole your bike!
Stop!
Police!
Move out of the way! Police!
-Butler! Chase the fast one! -What do you have, Alzheimer's?!
Stop! Freeze!
Stop, you Chinese motherfucker! Halt!
Clear out the way! Police!
Riggs! He's getting away!
Excuse me! Out of the way!
Get down! LAPD!
Stop, you little shit!
Get down! Get down! Get the fuck down!
My arm!
I didn't do anything!
I got you covered down here!
You got the right to remain silent! So shut the fuck up, okay?!
You got the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney...
...we'll provide you with the dumbest fucking lawyer on Earth!
If you get Johnnie Cochran, I'll kill you!
Riggs, don't jump! You're going to be a father!
Don't jump, damn it!
Hold on!
Hold on! I got you!
Don't move!
Okay, I won't move!
Hold on! I got you!
You'll catch me?
No, I'm not going to catch you!
I got a dumpster here!
You didn't do nothing, why you running?
-Get over here! -Shit!
Hurry up!
Come on, come on!
Hold on, Riggs!
A bit more to the left, will you?
Stop right there! Now! Now!
No, the other left!
Make up your mind!
You couldn't find something smaller?!
This is all I could find!
Hey, I got it here! Now, you jump! On 3!
Ready?
Ass first! It breaks the fall!
One!
Two! Three! Son of a bitch!
You all right?
I should have had him.
Damn right, you should have!
Who's your partner?
-Son of a bitch! -I don't have a partner!
The guy you ran with!
I'm a waiter. And then you guys pull a gun, trying to kill me!
And you physically abuse me! I want my lawyer!
You ain't no waiter! lf you're a waiter, what's today's special?
What's today?
Wednesday!
Chicken and sweet and sour pork, barbecue spareribs--
Shut up!
Next time, don't run!
-Stay still! -I should've got him!
Johnnie Cochran!
He fight for me!
Mao began helping in the fields when he was 6 years old.
He led a rebellion early against his domineering father.
Finally, Mao left home to continue his schooling.
Those were troubled times. Old China dissolved in a welter of unrest....
Sorry, Sergeant Murtaugh.
No, no, no, sit, please.
And it's Roger.
It's your chair.
No, sit down, really. It's fine. Sit.
Want something to drink?
Tequila?
Thank you so much.
From Mexico.
This can't be the first time you had tequila, Hong.
Yes, yes.
Bread.
Toast, toast!
Yeah, yeah, toast.
Bread!
You know anybody here?
My uncle.
He pay so we can come to America.
You been in contact with him?
I leave message.
What's your uncle do?
In China...
...he's artist.
An artist?
It ought to be tough leaving home, huh?
In America...
...my children have chance to make good life.
We want the best for our children.
And our grandchildren!
You believe I'm a grandfather?
That's right! Little Ping!
You're a grandpa!
Where does the time go?
Don't know.
Have no watch.
You have no watch?
Here.
This is my pop's. Here, take it.
He got it when he retired from the force. Here.
No, no. No, I cannot.
I want you to have it.
It belonged to a good man. It ought to belong to another good man.
Thank you so much...
...Roger.
Shit!
Hold him!
Push him off!
Get him!
What's wrong?
-Are you okay? -It's the shoulder.
It's an old shoulder injury. I'm going to have to toss in the towel.
-No problem. -It happens periodically.
-Is he okay? -I was just getting going too.
You're lucky, kid.
-You're lucky he didn't kill you. -You owe me a rematch!
-Anytime you want. -I might even train for it.
Better bring your own paramedic too.
-I'll get some ice for that shoulder. -The shoulder's okay.
There's nothing wrong with my shoulder.
I was faking it.
Faking it?
Gomez was killing me out there. I didn't have anything left.
I told you that kid was good.
He's good but it's not all him.
I mean, I've been feeling it lately. You know the other....
Like the other night on the ship when that guy nailed me.
And yesterday I couldn't catch him.
I just thought, you know, I'm out of shape or something.
You know. But it's more than that.
It's like....
-I hate to say this but-- -You're getting too old for this shit.
How about that?
Finally.
No, but I can't be. I mean, I'm only....
-Jesus. -Yeah, you're only.
Can't beat the clock, Riggs.
Murphy's right. We're dinosaurs. What am I going to do?
Accept it.
Like I do.
No. Bullshit.
Bullshit. I won't accept it.
-I'll will it not to happen. -Will it? You're going to will it?
I'm not too old for this shit.
We're not too old for this shit.
We're not too old for--
Say it like you believe it.
We're not too old for this shit.
I'm not going to buy a hemorrhoid cushion.
-I'm not going to get corns! -I got corns!
-I'm not wearing a suit! -What's wrong with a suit?
How's it going, Captain?
Thanks a lot, you guys. Very funny.
That cop tried to strip-search me!
-You get his phone number? -Funny.
Sugar-glazed with jelly.
Thanks, Leo.
-What happened? The scratches. -A dog.
-A dog? -Catch you drinking out of his bowl?
I'm working on an important PI case.
Did the dog hire you?
No, the dog didn't hire me. The people that lost the dog hired me.
Sounds like a big case.
It is a big case, Mr. Big Shot, for all you know.
It's an expensive dog.
-A Bolshoi. -Borzoi.
Whatever, whatever.
And you found it, huh?
Sort of. Okay, listen to what happens.
Instead of going around town looking for a dog, I went to the pound.
I take the dog home. I dye the dog, it looks exactly like their dog.
Dog was a real rat, though.
He scratched me. But I got the job done.
Some kind of PI business you got there.
Douche Ventura, pet infective.
It's grand theft.
-What is? -With trickery and device, felony.
It is?
You guys are always kidding.
Whatever. I get it. Here comes that touchy kid.
I'm not here.
What, Putter?
The guy you chased?
The gun he dropped matched slugs on the bodies on the boat. He's your shooter.
Son of a bitch got away from me.
He didn't get far.
They found him on a rooftop nearby. Strangled. And get this:
Pigeons ate his eyeballs.
Cool.
Excuse me.
Shit! I hate these fucking phones! You get a call, they cut you off.
You make a call, they cut you off. What's the point?
Don't you know what they're doing? They fuck you with cell phones.
They're fucking you with the cell phone. They love when you get cut off.
Because when you call back, they charge you...
...for that first minute again at that high rate.
If you're able to call back...
...because the 3-hour battery you got only lasts 20 fucking minutes.
If you're behind a hill, it goes....
Or you're going through a damn tunnel.
And they keep making it smaller!
You know why? So you can lose it.
Why? So you buy more phones. I never lost my mother's phone!
Take you two hours to make a long-distance call.
Duh-duh-duh-duh-4. Duh-duh-duh-duh-5.
I messed up! Hang up. Got to do it again. Duh-duh-duh-duh-4....
Never lost my Sports Illustrated swimsuit phone.
How about scanners? They get your phone number and call all over the world!
Somebody took my number and called Afghanistan! Afghanistan!
I don't know what fucking Afghanistan look like.
Even if I did, I would not talk to their Afghan ass for 3 hours!
I won't talk to my daddy for 3 hours!
They fuck you, they fuck you with the cell phones!
You know when you go to a drive-through? Hold on.
Why am I talking--?
Leo Getz, private investigator.
Private investigator?
I wondered if you'd be willing to investigate my privates.
Investigate what?
My privates, you stupid shit.
Shut the fuck up.
Very funny. You're costing me money here.
$3 to answer a call. They're fucking me, now you are.
-You're pretty tough on the phone. -That's right. Telephone tough guy.
-Why am I talking to you on the phone? -Get the fuck out of here. Go home.
What happened to your face?
"No" means no!
The kid's going to like me, I can tell.
He'd be the first one.
Whatever. Whatever.
You know, we should hire Leo.
Hire Leo?
He could follow Uncle Benny around.
-Benny'll see him. -That's the idea.
-He'll drive him nuts. -Benny'll shoot him.
Let's hire him!
I smell like stale coffee.
What do you care if I go home and change my shirt?
A coffee stain's not something that would bother me.
Look at the way you dress.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just because I don't get around in nifty suits like you. Not many cops do.
What's that supposed to mean?
I've been wondering, where's the money coming from?
Where do you think it's coming from?
-Where do you think? -I don't know.
-It's none of my damn business. -You don't know.
-Trish gave me some money. -It's none of my business.
Trish gave me some money, and from my Aunt Anne who died.
All right. Okay, sorry.
Whose car is that?
I don't know.
It looks like a full house for Lamaze class.
You know that car?
Here you go, Captains.
No charge for the ride.
Rianne's here and Lorna's here.
I'll put it on your account, Captain.
Hey, honey.
What's going on? I came home to change my shirt--
Why are you here?
They took the Hongs.
Shit.
Drop it.
Girls, get out!
Look who we got here.
-Uncle Benny's friend. -Hey, Bruce.
Nice pajamas.
Where are the Hongs?
Drop your guns.
-Drop them! -Okay, take it easy!
Don't stand for that, honey.
Son of a bitch!
Let the women go.